Are you scared of asking questions and looking silly?
In this blog series, I’m sharing some of my own experiences of building a successful consulting business, which saw me transition from freelance-journalist-for-hire (2005-2016) to sought-after-expert with a waitlist of architect clients (2020-the present day).
I’m sharing these memories, reflections and insights, to help architects recognise where their own experiences or beliefs may be stopping them from striving towards new goals or reaching new levels in their own practice and career.
I’d love to hear your feedback if any of these resonate with you: you can leave a comment below this article, join the conversation on social media, or email me directly at hello@soundslikedesign.com.au
How can you get more comfortable asking questions?
Saneia Norton (left) and Rachael Bernstone (that's me on the right) at the National Conference in Canberra, October 2023.
Photography: Tom Roe.
Last year I was chatting to Saneia Norton as we brainstormed ideas for our joint presentation for the National Conference, and I mentioned that I still get nervous every time I’m preparing to interview an architect for a magazine story.
I’ve been asking questions as a journalist for 30+ years, and interviewing architects for more than two decades, yet on the morning of an interview with an architect whom I’ve never met before, I have butterflies, a suppressed appetite, and I feel nervous and on-edge.
These feelings usually last until I arrive at the destination and greet the subject, or enter the Zoom room if it’s a virtual meeting.
(It helps immensely that I have awareness of these pre-interview jitters now - that’s only happened in the past five years or so - so now I can be kind to myself while I’m feeling those feelings, knowing that it’s my body’s way of trying to protect me and keep me out of harm’s way!)
My sense of anxiety is usually more pronounced if the architect I’m meeting is internationally renowned - I can still remember the almost-immobilising fear and sense of panic I experienced in the lead up to my interviews with Toyo Ito, David Chipperfield, and Winy Maas.
I don’t seem to feel as nervous when I’m going to interview women architects, like Billie Tsien or Julie Eizenberg (I first interviewed Julie during my Churchill Fellowship in LA in 2003, and didn’t feel at all nervous when I met her for a second time in Adelaide in 2016).
And if I’ve met the interview subject beforehand in a social setting - like at a conference, or a talk, as was the case with Shelley Penn and Jeremy McLeod - I usually don’t feel nervous at all.
That’s because once the ice is broken - and I realise that the interview subject is just a person like me - and they might be feeling a bit nervous about speaking to a journalist, especially if it’s their first time - my nerves settle down and I can focus on the task at hand.
I had never reflected on this - the fact that I still feel nervous before every interview with new people, even now, as a seasoned architecture journalist - but Saneia pointed out that it was a really interesting phenomenon, and that it was worth sharing with our audience.
(Our talk was designed to help architects improve the ways they communicate in six common settings - presenting an award, pitching to clients, dealing with conflict etc - you can watch a recording here, from that time that we reprised our presentation for Total Synergy in early 2024.)
Do you also experience a fear of asking questions?
And might that fear be impacting your ability to do your job?
The Architects Declare in forum in Perth - in November 2019 - was one of the first in-person events I moderated. I was incredibly nervous going into it...
Photography by Babett Fekete.
I learned the journalist’s skills of researching a topic, framing questions for an interview, and then practicing asking them on real subjects as part of my undergraduate studies at RMIT, back in the early 1990s.
I didn’t realise how valuable these skills were, until I started running workshops with clients, at which point I realised that I have a lot of confidence around asking questions - even difficult and uncomfortable questions.
And Saneia’s prompt reminded me that not everyone has these question-asking skills!
In the second year of my Journalism degree, we had to do mandatory radio and television subjects, and I found those much more confronting than that print journalism subjects I’d done in first year.
There is nowhere to hide on radio or television!
The interviews themselves are usually very short; so you have to nail your questions to get useful responses which you can later edit into “the package” for broadcast.
And that’s all done in a short time frame - you’d do the interview in the morning and put “the package” to air later that same day.
And there are witnesses - sound recordists and a camera-operator - to see any mistakes you make in front of the talent.
We had to interview well-known people as part of our studies - I visited Kaz Cooke at her studio in Fitzroy; I went to a non-descript television production company office located above a shop on Balaclava Road to meet with Tom Gleisner of The D Generation; and I did a stand-up interview with Craig McLaughlin at Collins Place, when he was promoting The Rocky Horror Show in 1993 (that was one of my most difficult early experiences; he was not an easy interview subject!).
All of these formative interview experiences - and every interview I’ve done since - has helped me practice and refine my question-asking craft.
I’ve gotten better and faster at the preparation research; I’ve come up with a series of template questions that I can adjust according to the nature of the person and the topic at hand; and the act of actually asking questions - and listening to the answers - then asking follow up questions that are not on my script - has all become easier over time, with experience.
But I still wouldn’t say that it’s easy.
Not by a long shot.
How might your fear of asking questions impact your career and practice?
Once Saneia pointed out my talent around asking questions, it became very apparent to me that people who don’t have my years of practice and experience might be very reluctant to make themselves vulnerable in this way, and really shy away from asking questions as a result.
Especially if there is a chance that the person they are asking the question of will mock or intimidate them for even asking it.
Or if they fear they will look silly or under-educated, because they “should” already know the answer.
Or maybe they are surrounded by colleagues and/or collaborators who are more knowledgeable and experienced, but who don’t create a safe and welcoming environment for younger or less-experienced people to seek out knowledge and improve their skills.
Or maybe they were subjected to a difficult studio or jury crit presentation, where invited practitioners who they didn’t know asked them difficult questions about their project, in a manner that made them feel humiliated or denigrated, and they were forced to “defend the work” to their lecturers, peers and invited jury members.
As an aside, it’s worth noting here that “defending the work” is tied up with identity and feelings of self-worth, because many architects operate from a position where the work is an extension of their sense of self, so any criticism of the work is taken as a criticism of the person (see the quotes below).
Under that sort of pressure, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed or flooded by a sense of anxiety - which can be triggered either by the tone or the content of the questions - or both - which makes it hard to think straight and/or respond appropriately in that setting…
(If you’ve ever chided yourself after an important presentation because you didn’t come up with a great response on your feet, you’ll know what I mean).
Even if you never had a negative crit experience like that, you might have watched on as one of your fellow students was subjected to this kind of belittling treatment. You may not be aware that the act of witnessing that kind of scenario could unconsciously have prompted you to want to fly under the radar ever since, to make yourself a small target, and not put yourself into the firing line by asking what may be a seemingly simple or innocuous question.
This is a form of collective trauma, so if you’ve ever had the experience of putting yourself out there - and you feared that someone with more power would “tear shreds off you” - and that could be anyone from a guest juror, to an employer, or a client, or perhaps a senior consultant or a builder - you’ll know that it can be very hard to shake the belief that it’s not safe to ask questions, or to make yourself vulnerable in that way, in your workplace.
(This was brought home to me recently in the ArchiTeam CPD workshop where I offered to review architects’ websites and give pointers about how to improve them, and one of the architects who volunteered joked that I might tear shreds off her website. I quickly assured her - and everyone else in the session - that I wouldn’t be tearing any shreds off anyone; because all of my feedback is designed to be constructive and useful, and I aim to deliver it in a supportive and encouraging way.)
But I can totally understand why she’d say that, and I don’t judge her for expressing that fear, even jokingly.
Why?
Research suggests that we remember negative events in greater detail than positive events, and that can lead us to actively avoid similar experiences in future.
I think this goes a long way to explaining why some architects develop a kind of invisible protective armour to keep themselves out of harm’s way. This can can unintended negative consequences, though, in terms of career progression, and/or willingness to put yourself “out there” to publicly promote your work, services or practice.
I’ve been mulling over these ideas for several years now, and I’ve been gathering anecdotes that relate to these situations. Like these insights from two different architects who wrote these comments on publicly-visible social media posts
Crits and juries are one of the best things about an architectural education. Students ought to be able to defend their work. Architects as employees and as designers ought to be able to defend their work to their employers and clients. What the heck is damaging about being able to defend your work? Juries give you practice in explaining your work so that you are reasonably good at it when you get out of school and get a job. Don't be thin skinned and get over it. There is a lot to know and be good at as a professional. This isn't a profession for sissies!
- A comment from an architect in my Facebook Group
Yeah your work is so tied to your sense of self worth in this world. You're putting your wee design baby out for all to see. It feels very vulnerable. And then you have to learn to market your beautiful little design baby. Terrifying.
- A comment from a student on an Instagram post
What about your clients? Are they comfortable asking questions of you?
Between writing this post and publishing it (it was interrupted by the proposal to repeal the Architects Act 2003 in NSW and a few other events), I had a very enlightening chat with a client.
This particular client had launched a new website, and as part of the update, they’d developed a series of explainers in the form of FAQs. These questions and answers enabled them to share details about processes, the benefits of using an architect, and to impart useful insights to potential clients, especially those who are just starting out on their home renovation or building journey.
This architect told me that they’d overcome their own reservations about providing these FAQs - they’d faced the usual inner critic objections that we all have, around making ourselves visible as the public face of our businesses and practices.
They were reassured by the advice from their website developer (which wasn’t me!) who that explained that FAQs were a great way to share knowledge and experience, and to build the “know, like and trust factor” (and I totally agree on both counts).
So this architect pushed through their reservations to create new content based around commonly asked questions, for their new website.
Why am I telling you this, here?
It turns out that my clients’ prospective clients love these questions and answers; because the FAQs are the questions they most wanted to ask themselves, but had been afraid to ask. And that makes my client appear more approachable, accessible, and like the kind of architect that homeowners and renovators could easily get along with, and commission for their project.
And listening to my client explain this realisation was such a significant penny-drop moment for me.
Because when you are prepared to go first - and ask questions that you fear may make you look silly, or under-educated, or less knowledgeable than you “should” be - it’s likely that there is someone else in the room (or visiting your website or social media profile) who was also itching to ask the same question, but for various reasons didn’t have the confidence to do so.
So by asking that “silly” question yourself, you open up the space for others to also be vulnerable, and to ask their burning questions, and that’s how we build more inclusive cultures inside and outside the profession, and expand the impact of architecture beyond the small circle of clients who already know the right questions to ask.
What are my key takeaways for architects struggling with a fear of asking questions?
(and how can their more senior peers and colleagues help to create structural change?)
We all owe a huge debt to Parlour, pictured here from left to right: Naomi Stead, Alison Cleary, Gill Matthewson, Susie Ashworth, Justine Clark, Julie Willis and Sarah Lynn Rees at Transform: Action on Equity, 2019.
Photography: Peter Bennetts.
Acknowledging the power imbalance between younger and less experienced people who may want to ask questions, and those in established or senior positions who set the tone and standard for practices and organisations. The first four takeaways I’ve listed below are designed to promote systemic change.
Most of the heavy lifting around this issue needs to be done by the people who hold power and influence, not the emerging practitioners entering the profession who are eager to learn and expand their knowledge by asking questions.
I’d also like to acknowledge that there has been great progress in some respects, around this topic of asking questions (and getting answers to them). When I first started interviewing architects, back in about 2002-3, I would usually end my interviews with a request for “one key lesson that you learned on this project that would be helpful for our audience of readers to know and understand”.
And invariably, the architect would reply with one or more of the following statements: “We can’t tell you that; that’s our IP; and we have to guard it with our lives; we can’t share that knowledge or information with our competitors.” It just wasn’t seen as safe to have these types of conversations in a public forum at that time.
But things have changed, and I attribute much of that evolution to the arrival of Parlour, which burst on the architecture scene like a breath of fresh air back in 2011. I still remember my sense of excitement when I received the media release about the launch of the ARC-funded research project Equity and Diversity in the Australian Architecture Profession: Women, Work and Leadership, which turned out to be an absolute game-changer when it comes to asking questions in architecture.
Before the launch of Parlour’s website in 2012 - and before it became commonplace for the types of conversations and discussions that we now take for granted - thanks to the Letters to my Younger Self, Light at the End of the Tunnel sessions, Deadly Djurumin Yarns, Seasonal Salons, Instagram guest hosting, and a whole heap more - these conversations just didn’t happen anywhere in the profession; not around watercoolers and probably not even in private.
Parlour truly has opened up “a space to speak” by creating actual and virtual spaces for rich and varied conversations to take place - conversations that seemed impossible and implausible when I first started asking questions of architects 22 years ago - and for that reason, I strongly believe that everyone should join the Parlour Collective.
What can we all do to make it easier - and more comfortable - to ask difficult questions at work?
So, off my soapbox, and on to my list of takeaways, which are:
Eradicate all forms of derogatory language from all parts of practice - the studio, the meeting room, the building site. The use of the word “sissies” in the first quote, above, shocked me - it comes across as demeaning and I even thought twice about reproducing it here, because it’s completely at odds with the type of profession I'd like to see emerge from the current reinvention that's sweeping the architecture profession.
This comment surfaced in 2022 in the wake of news about bullying at the Bartlett and the Sci-Arc How to Be In An Office discussion (both of these come with a trigger warning - they are very confronting if you’ve ever been subjected to this kind of treatment at university or in practice) and I hadn’t realised that some architects would still feel comfortable writing a comment like this in a public forum (the comment has been deleted now).
To me, this comment indicated that the certain sectors of the profession still have a long way to go - and a lot of work to do - to intentionally create safe university and workplace environments, where everyone can thrive.
(How many aspiring architects do you know who left your course in first or second year, because “they couldn’t hack it”, and what kind of diverse and empathetic people were lost to the profession through that brutal attrition?)Acknowledge the many and varied benefits of a diverse and inclusive profession and provide support and scaffolding to people who may not have enjoyed similar privileges to you.
Architecture has traditionally been dominated by certain groups of people, and while the profession is slowly becoming more diverse - change in senior positions happens slowly, and there is still a long way to go for the profession to accurately represent the diversity of the communities that it serves.
Approach all and any questions and requests for help with a sense of curiosity, and see them as a chance to expand your own horizons and perspectives, as you expand architecture’s too.Try and foster brave and supportive environments where young and less experienced people are actively encouraged to ask questions, seek new information, compare and contrast various options, and build skills and capacity.
Depending on when and how practice leaders were trained and educated, this may require some unlearning, new learning and/or relearning on their part.
This applies to university and workplace settings, and this example by Charity Edwards at Monash Architecture provides a useful alternative approach. (Thanks to Brendan Baxter who brought this to my attention).Reframe conversations about architecture and projects away from "defending the work”. Defending the work sets up a combative frame of reference that doesn't necessarily allow for explorations of other people's experiences, thoughts, ideas, perspectives and differences, nor enable those to play an important role in making a project better.
Also, if you’re determined to “defend your work”, you may not be able to really listen to - and actively hear - your clients’ feedback. If clients are expressing concerns or seeking more information - but you’re not open to listening without “defending your work” - it may be difficult to find common ground and provide the additional details they need, and ultimately demonstrate that you are on the same page and capable of achieving their vision.
For me, architecture has been the same things for a long time - a patron/service arrangement in service of the clients' goals - but the threat of climate emergency (and the need for buildings to have less environmental impact) has opened up a new space for architects to step into, and this will require different types of conversations, different ways of engaging with clients, and different frames of reference.Seek out supportive environments, where curiosity and asking questions is rewarded - whether that’s formal or informal mentoring situations, online communities with your peers, real life events and gatherings, such as Parlour Salons, which are an excellent example of open and transparent discussions and a place where asking questions is actively encouraged. They also sometimes feature a younger and an older subject which promotes cross-generational knowledge sharing, and that benefits both parties and the audience.
Also download and take inspiration and action cues from the Parlour Wellbeing Guides, especially numbers 1, 3, and 5, on Value and Worth, Trust and Transparency, and Psychosocial & Psychological Safety.
I’ll be adding to this series and sending updates via our email newsletter. We’d love you to share it with your friends and colleagues, and anyone can click here to subscribe so you’ll be notified when the next instalment is published.
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